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Trainee |
"What if I apply to 50 labs and no one wants me?"
"So you'll do something else."
These were not the words of comfort I wanted (and needed) to hear from my roommate.
I am 32 years old and am just completing a 5-year PhD at McGill University in Montreal, Canada. As I contem- plate my future and field the relentless questions from family and friends—How's the writing? What next? Where next?—I look back on how I got to this time and place. Like many, I have taken the longest, most circui- tous route to my current place, and I expect to make many more detours on the way to my next destination.
My biology degree from McMaster University in Ham- ilton, Ontario, was widely concentrated in the areas of conservation ecology and population genetics. When I graduated, I was set on pursuing a Master of Science de- gree in Ecology, but life at that time took me down a different path. Serendipity, I would like to think. Instead, I found myself in Montreal at the door of Concordia Uni- versity. Thanks to some quick thinking on my part and connections to my undergraduate thesis supervisor, I wound up securing a volunteer position in a population ecology lab, measuring and counting the eggs of tiny aquatic organisms. My supervisor at the time encouraged me to apply for an advanced degree at Concordia in en- vironmental toxicology—he knew I wanted something to augment my ecology knowledge. When I finished this next degree, there I was an ecologist/environmental tox- icologist looking to get additional knowledge in genetics, and reproduction was an interesting field in which to pur- sue this. There were many prospective PhD supervisors who viewed my lack of molecular experience (I had lab experience, just different lab experience) as a hindrance, but my current supervisor took a chance on me, and for that I will be forever grateful to her. So, I ended up study- ing my PhD in reproduction. It might not seem like it links to my previous work, but all the links are right here in my head. To me, it is a progression, and I am happy where I have wound up and excited (and somewhat ter- rified) about what is next.
With the light at the end of the thesis-writing tunnel approaching, I finally realize I have learned many things. I have learned I have to trust in my decisions and to listen to my gut as well as my head. My supervisor is phenom- enal and this has taught me that you should go with a supervisor who you like (you do not have to be best friends) and respect—someone that you can talk to, be- cause over the course of a PhD there are always low moments. Also, I have realized some things I do not like about research—but all researchers know it is a love/hate relationship. Sometimes it is the repetitiveness that I dis- like, and sometimes I seek solace and comfort in that monotony. Other times it is the fear of the unknown—the new technique, the new student, the beginning of another animal treatment (warily eyeing the solution stirring—did that 10 mg of drug, essentially the size of a pinhead, really distribute uniformly throughout the 2 L of saline solution?). What I do like is the sense of accomplishment on completion of a project: "This is mine. This project was done by me." And I can share that enthusiasm with others—my lab mates and other researchers. It is with this sense of accomplishment that I look forward to the com- pletion of my thesis. But finishing is both harder and eas- ier than I thought it would be. Motivating myself to get this thesis written is hard—definitely hard. There are so many other things I could be doing (dishes, training for my half-marathon, post doc hunting). It is especially hard because I am writing at home, and there are all these distractions. It is hard to convince yourself that you need to lay out everything just as you would in the lab, start at a specific time, and just keep going until you have scheduled a break. Starting—and I do not mean simply starting to write, but the process of starting every single day—is the worst part, the hardest part, and the big loom- ing hurdle that must be jumped. But once you have plunked yourself down in front of the computer, it is not so bad. Organization is also difficult. I am the type to start thinking of 5 million things at once, realizing (over and over again) there is no way I am going to be able to see and read and incorporate every single relevant piece of information into my thesis (and my head). Panic sets in. This worry can drive me to intense distraction. This is where the good supervisor part comes in; my super- visor allows me to flail and worry for a while and plunk myself right into the middle of a topic, and then she forces me to take a step back and plan things—what I need to include and what is NOT necessary. Although simple, this approach is brilliantly overlooked by generalists such as myself. It is the importance of going over, with someone else, the thesis outline and determining what you do not need and why. This is where you learn. This is how you learn. And this is the application.
Planning, organization, focus, and of course a great su- pervisor are some key tools needed to guide one through the PhD years. Timelines are a blessing in disguise, and setting minigoals is also effective. That said, currently I am looking for an apartment; thus, my thesis has taken a backseat to everything else going on in my life. Also, with the end of my PhD nearing, I have been looking for a post doc for the past year—not whole-hearted searching, unfortunately, but contemplating and mulling. Although I am not done with my thesis and I do not know where exactly I am going come graduation, I have narrowed down where I would like to go and what I want to focus my post doctoral research on, and I am working on how to go about making this happen.
Being single with no ties, I would like to use my post doc as an opportunity to explore. First, I would like to use it to travel, and I am concentrating on opportunities in the United Kingdom. Second, after 5 years of studying spermatogenesis, and most recently branching out into embryo studies, I am looking to take this knowledge and move into the field of development. One would think after figuring out my focus, the process would be smooth sail- ing, but because I am looking for a lab that is outside my area of expertise, I feel like I am flying blind. And thanks to a severe allergy to mice that I have developed over the past few years, the organism model to be used is a major factor in my post doc search.
The thought of uprooting myself at this point in my life is both exciting and daunting. And, as with every post doc candidate, I am using this as a chance to figure out whether research is really and truly for me. No matter what happens, there is one thing I do know: I am glad I did my PhD. It provided me with a chance to learn about many things, most importantly myself. I am now a little more confident than when I began my doctoral journey, and it makes starting the next step a little less scary.
Footnotes
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